First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
