There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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