i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
