the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
