When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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