Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
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