I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
