how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
