I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
