A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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