And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
