I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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