and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
