He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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