Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
there is puke in my bra ... again
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
