Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
