You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
