Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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