Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
