I feel great
I just peed on a car
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
