A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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