Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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