I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and she was petting her beer can
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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