He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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