you have to choose: penises or morals?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
