im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My feet surprised me
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
