Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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