I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
