Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
