I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
