Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
