allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
