Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
