Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize