I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
