now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
