i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Randomize
