Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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