I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
