Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
