What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
