I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The best revenge is premature balding
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
