I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
