No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
