i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
