I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
