my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
