im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
