I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize