Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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