someone threw a dead crab at me
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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