so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
