I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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