if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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