Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
