i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Green mimosas i think yes
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
