Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
