two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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