I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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