True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
