Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Randomize
