all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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