Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
