I can't breathe out the right side of my face
false alarm. still invincible.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
