you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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