When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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